Here I am again, too scared to actually pick up the bottle. Why drown yourself in sorrow if you can enjoy it while being sober, right? The idea to feel absolutely numb is very attractive but what will I learn from that? It seems this is one lesson I just keep relearning though.
This is a different pain to the others, I was fooled into thinking this one was going to be different. In a blur of excitement everything can change so quickly. That's the big problem with having a literal bleeding heart, you care too quick and everything is veiled with good intentions and seeing the best in people. Even when you have a peek behind the veil and see the hurt and pain of others you feel honoured by the idea that you are being trusted with what you are seeing. The deceiving part of all this is that veils aren't for covering the face permanently, so you still get to see the good intentions and the best in the person when it comes off but it gets mixed in with the hurt and pain.
You focus on easing the other person's pain, you start doing things you never thought you'll do but that's how you show you care, I guess, you do something with the best intentions even if it might be inconvenient for you. You'll go the extra mile because you almost find some sense of being, you feel if you are worthy of this person's time and you swell with joy when they acknowledge what you did for them and the thank yous give an utter blissful feeling.
Here's the absolute worst part of all this, when the thank yous and acknowledgements of your actions become less and less and you lose your sense of worth, you start feeling worthless. It doesn't matter what other praises you get from the person, you don't have that sense of belonging anymore. You can be told that you are something the person doesn't deserve because you are too good, but you think to yourself, even if I am all of this, why do I feel like I'm never enough?
Here I still am, too scared to reach for the bottle but the bottle appears to be drawing closer and closer, tempting you to just ease your own pain. I really need to just learn this lesson now but I probably won't. I would rather play on the shore of the ocean of self-loathing before I call for the waves of "relief" to take me away.
This is a different pain to the others, I was fooled into thinking this one was going to be different. In a blur of excitement everything can change so quickly. That's the big problem with having a literal bleeding heart, you care too quick and everything is veiled with good intentions and seeing the best in people. Even when you have a peek behind the veil and see the hurt and pain of others you feel honoured by the idea that you are being trusted with what you are seeing. The deceiving part of all this is that veils aren't for covering the face permanently, so you still get to see the good intentions and the best in the person when it comes off but it gets mixed in with the hurt and pain.
You focus on easing the other person's pain, you start doing things you never thought you'll do but that's how you show you care, I guess, you do something with the best intentions even if it might be inconvenient for you. You'll go the extra mile because you almost find some sense of being, you feel if you are worthy of this person's time and you swell with joy when they acknowledge what you did for them and the thank yous give an utter blissful feeling.
Here's the absolute worst part of all this, when the thank yous and acknowledgements of your actions become less and less and you lose your sense of worth, you start feeling worthless. It doesn't matter what other praises you get from the person, you don't have that sense of belonging anymore. You can be told that you are something the person doesn't deserve because you are too good, but you think to yourself, even if I am all of this, why do I feel like I'm never enough?
Here I still am, too scared to reach for the bottle but the bottle appears to be drawing closer and closer, tempting you to just ease your own pain. I really need to just learn this lesson now but I probably won't. I would rather play on the shore of the ocean of self-loathing before I call for the waves of "relief" to take me away.
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